posted on 2003-01-28 at 3:24 p.m.
I'm not really in a writing mood tonight. In fact, I don't really feel like writing anything, but I will.
I took a personal day today, and slept in until almost three. Needless to say, I'm well rested, however it's almost midnight and I've grown tired. Very tired. Why, you ask, aren't I asleep in my warm bed if I'm so tired? I waited for a phone call that never came, and feel I've wasted my time.
I always waste my time.
My family is still at the hospital. My Gramma has Bacterial Meningitis, which they believe she developed from her surgery a few weeks ago. It's all inevitable. I know it's going to happen, so I've decided I should make the best of the situation. In a sense, I guess I'm "preparing" myself for what lie ahead. I feel better about things now.
I especially feel better because I have such wonderful friends. Everyone called me today from school to see how I was doing, which is always a nice thing. I don't always communicate my problems very well, and it's good to know they'll be there for me if I decide I need to talk. I hope I don't offend them when I don't want to talk, I don't mean to at all. My way of getting through things is just to be alone and think. I don't like sharing my problems often because I feel people don't care. Maybe they'll say they care, talk to me for a while but then they forget about me. I feel like I'm bothering them. I mean, they have problems of their own, so why should they bother with mine? I just don't like complicating situations even further. I don't like people feeling sorry for me.
I've never adapted well to this whole idea of sharing my feelings. When I Was a little kid, and even up until now, when I'm hurt, I hide. I put up my little shields and retreat. I fight back my feelings and pretend like nothing is wrong. I don't know why I do this, but I do. I realize I'm offending some people when doing so, and believe me, this is the last thing I mean to do. I just have a hard time expressing my feelings. I've been putting quite some effort into opening up lately, especially with one specific person, but there's a time when I just have to stop opening. It appears like I'm trying for a pity party, and I'm certainly not. In fact, right now it probably seems like I'm looking for someone's pity. Believe me, that's the last thing I want. To be the center of attention? I could care less.
Of course I'd like friends and family to be there for me should I need them, and they are, whether I'm there or not.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my childhood. My aunt used to live in a homely little town in Eastern Michigan. Brown City. I had such a wonderful childhood when my aunt lived there. My Grandpa was still alive. I used to stand on his feet, and we'd walk around together. I was so little then. And life was simple. No one was divorced or had family problems, or sick in the hospital. Death wasn't an issue at all. Everyone ate their grilled cheese for lunch and played around until the street lights came on. My only issue at that time was what my mother packed in my lunchbox. Not boys, or homework, or sick grandmothers in the hospital. My mind was so simple.
So I've been thinking quite a bit about driving to my aunt's old farm house. Just to do some thinking. It'd be nice to go with someone, however I don't think that would be the greatest idea considering I'd like to sit by myself for a while and think. I could take Steve. I'm almost sure he'd appreciate the situation. But Steve isn't an option.
Oh well.
So much for not being in a writing mood.